Ethiopian Review

The original intent of the comments section–a place for readers to respond to content and start a dialog between author and audience–works fabulously in some circumstances. Some blogs have dozens of thoughtful, well reasoned comments cropping up at the bottom of each post. But as sites become larger and more popular, and as the audiences become less knowledgeable and more general, comments sections frequently devolve into a 200 car pile-up of stupid. Writing regularly for Cracked, I’ve gotten pretty used to seeing the regular types of commenting idiots. People who yell “First.” People who yell other ordinal numbers. Spell checkers. People who post entire essays. Anyone segueing into something not in the article, especially articles that aren’t about Ron Paul. People who post “Meh.” Ron Paul.

(Less frequent, but appreciated all the more for their rarity, are my favorite types of commenters: Nude co-eds. People who post ’8===D’ and nothing else. Naughty co-eds.)

To see how commenter intelligence varies across different sites, I’ve created a scientifical method of analysis. By choosing a single story that multiple sites have reported on–The Development of Flesh Eating Robots–I’d be able to observe how different communities respond to the same stimulus. I’m actually pretty proud of this experiment: It’s easily the most scientific thing Cracked has done since DOB had sex with that vacuum cleaner.

A brief synopsis of the Flesh Eating Robot story for those of you who’ve been in your robot shelters the past few weeks: Scientists working for the U.S. Government have created a robot that is capable of harvesting organic materials (plants, animals…… AND MAN -record scratch-) and burning it as fuel for its engine. Yesterday, the CEO of the company observed that the machine would not be harvesting dead bodies, remarking, “We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population.” I’d like to imagine he continued: “Now please put your weapons down,” but none of the linked articles can confirm that.

Anyways, here’s what our selected Internet communities thought of this:

Digg

Digg is one of a few popular link aggregators on the Web these days. Users of the site submit their favorite Cracked articles, then everyone votes to see whether the community enjoys it, or only loves it. Sometimes non-Cracked articles are also submitted, much to everyone’s embarrassment.

The comments below are typical: people making weak references to pop culture; people yelling about the main stream media; and a couple of guys posting in binary for no particular reason. (Just thought of a reason: their mom’s nursed them on Kahlua?) Also keep an eye out for a guy screeching about how we’re all being sterilized by fluoride in the water supply. What that has to do with vegetarian, flesh-eating robots is beyond me, so honestly crazy guy, I think we should try and tackle one problem at a time here.

Sample Comments on the Flesh Eating Robot Story

Ryokuchaa
“We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission,” stated Harry Schoell, Cyclone’s CEO.

These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

Dave499
So… Fox News has once again kept us safe… from flesh-eating zombie robots… oh… and the “homosexual agenda” too!!!

popzero
01000010 01010010 01000001 01001001 01001110 01010011 00100001

HeadinawheelHeadinawheel
It’s never the mission to create flesh eating robots, it’s just something that happens along the way to creating Skynet.

iancgiiancgi
lol what complete and bold faced lie to all of you. This company put out a PDF on the EATR outlining just how great it was that it can consume and burn any organic material including humans (which provide the greatest energy return) to power the robot with its external combustion engine. Stop being such simple minded sheep and trusting everything these skynet clone companies tell you

Their goal is profit margin and military contract not public safety and concern. Wake the fuck up from your brainwashed slumber, pull the jack out of the back of your head and open your eyes to the real world around you already.

citncitn
om nom nom?
for every veggie the robot eats, i am going to eat 3 robot cows!

Rating: 5/10 Stupids.
I think Digg got off easy here. I’ve seen these ass-necks act way dumber than this–during the election, the stupid hung thick in the air every time Hillary Clinton’s ritualistic orphan murder habit was mentioned

Reddit

Reddit’s sort of like Digg, in the sense that user submitted links get voted up or down depending on whether the attached image contains nipple or just sidebreast.

Sample Comments on the Flesh Eating Robot Story
Also: Link.
And: Link.

bobbles
Nice try robot… we know the inventors have been eaten.

JoshFiles2
why!@!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

JoshFiles2
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
((((
U R MEAN

slavox
Wut?

JoshFiles2
< <<>>>>

Canadian_Infidel
Robots that can EAT YOU. I picture a tank driving through a crowd, picking people up by the throat with the claw and holding them over the burner. Then it uses the chainsaw to lop of parts of it’s victim so they fall into the burner, all the while the person is alive watching the flesh be consumed to fuel the machine that is still in the act of tearing them apart. The best part is you could throw kids right in without even chopping them up first. Hell you wouldn’t even need them to be dead.

snark
“It’s” is a contraction of “it is.”
“Its” is the possessive form

Stroggoth
Snark’s right, “its boiler” is it, it’s not “it’s”.

crxvfr
no its not

Mr_Smartypants
Yes, it’s.

p3on
STEAMPUNK STEAMPUNK LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN THE FUCKING WORLD IS STEAMPUNK. STEAMPUNK OWNS FUCK YASE STEAMPUNK STTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Pfmohr2
Once again, this is being taken completely too far, without proper context. Technically the title is not incorrect, but pretty damn close.

This thing runs off of a biomass boiler. Now, I’m sure you all understand how a boiler works; heat+water=steam. The steam would be used to power the machine. Now, how does one create heat? Burning things. What is burned? Combustibles aka biomass. Namely wood. If you look at the designs on the claw, there is an attached chainsaw. That is because the main source of fuel for this bad boy will be wood. Technically bodies could be used, but quite frankly they are not going to burn with the consistency and intensity needed to keep that boiler going. I have literally not seen a single link to this on reddit which does not claim this thing will be fueled by bodies; technically possible, but far from the ideal fuel.

hideogumpa
As long as the ambulance version puts patient life above hunger, I’m cool with it.

Rating: 4/10 Stupids.
A modest amount of stupid, tempered by one impossibly levelheaded comment. I’d have given them a better mark, but Reddit never links my articles, so fuck ‘em

Slashdot

Slashdot is a technology oriented news website that is widely read by people with food in their keyboards. Given its computer related angle, the users in general are relatively educated, but as with most computer people, they do have strange cares. Simpsons quotes abound, and you won’t find a single thread on this site where someone doesn’t take a swipe at Microsoft.

Sample Comments on the Flesh Eating Robot Story

elrous0
It also doesn’t say who exactly is supposed to ENFORCE the [robots non-human eating] conventions if someone breaks them.

cthulu_mt
The machines will enforce the conventions.

CastrTroy
What’s the difference between having a robot eat the guy, and leaving the guy to be eaten by the crows, coyotes, vultures, or whatever other detrivores [wikipedia.org] are common place wherever you are.

CarpetShark
Go read some philosophy and/or spirituality if you really want an answer to that (or just debate on it). It’s WAY out of scope for this discussion, and frankly, it’s something I expect civilised people to have already studied somewhat.

Krneki
Maybe he can be allowed to eat the dead only for recreational purpose.

sammyo
“I for one welcome our flesh eatin robot overlords.”

Never thought I’d see a post where that lame meme was apropo…

Ukab the Great
“Company Denies Its Robots Feed On The Dead”

– Insert Microsoft Employees Joke Here –

Rating: 2/10 Stupids.
I like the one prick who goes off about what he expects “civilized people” to have studied. That’s one hell of a prick. But aside from him, the lame Simpsons reference and the even lamer acknowledgment of the Simpsons reference, there’s nothing terribly stupid about Slashdot at all–aside from the fact that there’s people who really really care which version of the GPL a certain batch of Linux drivers are being published under. Seriously guys, you should get out a little more. Go find yourself a nice naked lady website or something.

The Guardian

The Guardian is a respected English newspaper with an active website and online community. Because of their close proximity to the Queen, I assumed that English commenters would generally have better control over their spelling and grammatical structure than those of us in the colonies. That was generally the case (I only counted one LOL) but the English do have their quirks. Huge swathes of the comments were taken up by bizarre references to old English comic book characters and lengthy diatribes about how much George Bush sucked. Interestingly, very few commenters saw fit to mention how their asses were bailed out in WWII. Bizarre.

Sample Comments on the Flesh Eating Robot Story

cbarr
It looks almost like a big skatboard with an arm i wonder if thats to lure in children?

MartynInEurope
Trust the yanks to reinvent the goat.

chrisbraun
“You have to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel indigestible?’ Well, do you, punk?”

greykid
All the same, I’m slathering my buttocks in Marmite in the hope it’ll give me a 50-50 chance.

Rating: 1/10 Stupids.

Well I had to look up a half dozen different words (I’m pretty sure Marmite is a joke) to even understand these comments, so I’d be hard pressed to say these guys were stupider than me.

By Chris Bucholz | cracked