Ethiopian Review

Here at the institute of alarming facts, we have come to the decision that we have had just about enough.

Also, we have a staff barbecue to attend and are miffed at some recent health news that has us concerned. The reason for this is the latest in a never-ending series of articles that insists everything we do or eat is bad for us.

We have discovered the following alarming fact (which we swear we are not making up): apparently the beloved hot dog is bad for you.

This, according to the professional alarmists at the Cancer Project, a U.S.-based non-profit group that wants stateside schools to halt feeding children frankfurters.

Why? I’m glad you asked. They claim it’s “because these products have been shown to increase the risk of cancer in adulthood.” Oh, please. Everything that’s either fun or delicious seems to do that. Personally, I think some rogue, marauding group of militant vegans is behind this. Although, according to alert consumer Susan Thatcher of Irvine, Calif., “Vegans complaining about hot dogs is like the Amish complaining about gas prices.”

OK, I’ll give you that. But my point here is — with apologies to our canine friends — that during the summer months a hot dog is man’s best friend, best enjoyed with an ice cold brewski. What are they going to do next, tell us beer is no good for us? Even those wussy American beers taste passable with a hot dog.

Yes, they “plump” when you grill them and no, we don’t want to know why, thank you very much.

Mustard, onions, half a dozen jalapeno peppers — plus a bottle where the mountains on the label turn blue when it’s cold — and I’m a happy camper.

I’m sure the kids will just love to bite into a tofu dog. Wouldn’t you like to see their little eyes light up at that concept? Might as well sign them up for future therapy sessions right now.

When we were kids we survived on Twinkies and Jelly Tots. Occasionally we’d treat ourselves to a Cherry Blossom, back when they were as big as your fist. And we survived. I must have eaten thousands of hot dogs too and, apart from the world’s most unmanageable hair, I continue to survive.

Tube steaks bad for you? What about cigarettes? The coffin nails contain such appetizing life-stoppers as benzene and formaldehyde. At least you save the funeral home some time by putting that into your body before you kick off.

Other dangers we witness daily include texting while driving, eating trans fats and cutting yours truly off in traffic.

In our opinion, processed meats have to be better for you than unprocessed meats. It just make sense. Hey, I love a good juicy hamburger but I don’t need to see how they’re made.

No, we don’t want to know what’s in them, but a quick stop at wikianswers.com provided this: most recipes for hot dogs combine a tasty blend of favourite meats (pork, beef, chicken or turkey), meat fat, a cereal filler which could be either bread crumbs, flour or oatmeal, a little bit of egg white and a mouth-watering array of herbs and seasonings including garlic, pepper, ground mustard, nutmeg, salt and onion.

How can you want to ban hot dogs knowing that? It’s enough to make Oscar Mayer flip over in his grave.

Right now, we at the Institute of Alarming Facts are off to fire up the grill.

After all, these are the dog days of summer. Aren’t they?

- By IAN SHANLEY | winnipegsun.com