Ethiopian Review

Writing a letter to the editor that will actually be published is a fine art, even a talent.

It’s like writing a column, and jamming everything you need to say into 75 words.

That isn’t easy. And the competition is cutthroat.

Our letters editor, Don MacPhail, walks in on a Monday to a pile of more than 500 e-mails and letters waiting for him. And that’s an average Monday. Just like at Canada Post, our mail never stops.

So , how do you get your say published in the Sun?

Step one: Brevity. We’re looking for tight and bright. Make a point. Make it well. Send it. Keep it to 75 words or less and you’ve made the first cut.

Step two: Be sharp. Agree with us, disagree, express (genuine) shock, outrage, joy. But steer clear of personal attacks, you idiot (sorry). Lay off conspiracy theories. Mention a certain German villain inappropriately and it’s trashed.

Step three: Keep it fresh. Cliches till the cows come home won’t cut the mustard.

Step four: Don’t be afraid to write. What’s the worst that can happen? We won’t publish it. Or maybe we will !

Step five: Sign it. Name, address and phone number. We won’t run your address or give people your number, but it helps us confirm you aren’t Hugh Jass.

If you just want to be part of a discussion, you can go online where we have some areas to comment. But keep it civil.

The letters page is one of the best read in our newspaper.

For it, as opposed to online comments about stories, we pick out the best of the best and dump the rest.

You should also know we have a Hall of Shame. There’s no glory being there. Some of our prolific writers have their own wing, filled with letters in caps, often obscene.

And some are just plain weird. From our files, here’s a few of the best:

A SCARLETT CLONE

“Dear Mr. Editor: I would like to inform you Scarlett Johansson actually is a clone … created illegally by using stolen biological material.”

Does that explain Isaac Mizrahi grabbing her boob at the Golden Globes? Just checking to see if she’s real?

Here’s a letter from a person identified as Yoncho who informed us “the American government has implanted satellite micro transistors in all Toronto Sun employees and 75% of all Canadians.”

Guess that explains why the lines are so long at airport security.

Not everyone agrees with me (no surprise there), but a few go above and beyond to point out their, umm, displeasure.

I called for raccoons to be more than culled a while back. Gail, an animal lover from Indiana who actually raised a raccoon (draw your own conclusions) said the pests are the “most cuddly, lovable and humourest pets you can have.

“I think somebody should run over you and turn you into grill meat with their vehicle,” she wrote, citing my call to do the same to the odd raccoon. “Animals were here before you were, a—–,” she concluded before signing it “yours truly.”

Or this nice, precise one: “I gotta tell you, Rob, you write the most boring columns I have ever read. Please stop.”

WHAT’S WRONG?

After the re-election of Stephen Harper, I asked if the Tory boss deserved another election. “YES!!!!!” wrote Lindsay’s Jim Pfaff. “For Christ’s sake what is wrong with you a—– media moguls. Bring back Goldstein.”

Media mogul? Thanks for the compliment. And when did Lorrie Goldstein leave?

But our favourite of the year said: “I have a friend that was born on Jan. 9, 1912. He lives in Odessa, Ont. Can anyone call or visit or write him?” Sorry, we can’t. But thanks for writing.

By ROB GRANATSTEIN | torontosun