Why do Abused Women Feel Trapped?

(This article is part of an Ethiopian Review weekly series that is intended to highlight and help stop the growing problem of domestic violence in the Ethiopian community.)

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Many people who are abused by their intimate partner just want the violence and abuse to stop, but they don’t want the relationship to end. But even when they do want to get out of the relationship with the abuser, it’s hard.

Under the best of circumstances, it is not easy to end a relationship with an intimate partner. Love, family, shared memories, and commitment are bonds that are hard to break. Cultural or religious beliefs may be barriers to ending a marriage. Immigration status may be another obstacle. While ending a relationship is hard for everyone, women who are abused face the added risks of physical, emotional and psychological harm. There are risks that come with every decision an abused woman makes.

There are many good reasons why it may be difficult to be safe or to end a relationship with an abusive partner. The choices abused women are faced with are not risk-free. Leaving is not always the safest or best option.

Risks of Getting Help or Deciding to Leave

Risks of physical violence and psychological harm

  • Threats and violence will get worse, resulting in harm to victim, children, friends, family, or pets.
  • Abuser will follow through on suicide threats and harm himself.
  • Continued harassment, stalking, and verbal and emotional attacks, especially if the abuser has ongoing contact (such as during court ordered visitation).
  • Serious physical harm and/or death.
  • Rape or sexual abuse.

Risks to Children

  • Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse; possibility of increased risks to children if the abuser has unsupervised or poorly supervised visitation.
  • Losing children if the abuser kidnaps them or gets custody of them.
  • Negative impact on children as a result of “breaking up the family.”

Risks to Finances

  • Concern about being able to pay legal fees.
  • Reduced standard of living – possible loss of home, possessions, neighborhood.
  • Losing income or job – possible loss of partner’s income, may have to quit a job to relocate or to take care of the children alone, may be prevented from working because of threats and harassment.

Risks to Relationship

  • Losing partner, losing the relationship.
  • Losing help with children, transportation, household.
  • Losing caretaker (for older women or women with disabilities).

Risks to Relationships with Family, Friends and Community

  • Negative responses from friends, family members, and helping professionals.
  • Not being believed or taken seriously, being blamed, being pressured to take actions that don’t feel right.
  • Being judged as a bad wife, partner, or mother.
  • Making people feel uncomfortable about “taking sides” or not wanting to get involved.
  • Worrying about being a burden to friends and family by asking them for help.
  • Being pressured to stay in the relationship because of religious and/or cultural beliefs or because the children “need a father.”
  • Worry that actions of people trying to help may actually make the situation more dangerous.

Safety Planning & Risk Assessment

No abused woman has control over her partner’s violence, but women can and do find ways to reduce their risk of harm. Safety planning is a tool to help you to identify options, evaluate those options, and come up with a plan to reduce your risk when faced with the threat of harm or with actual harm.

There’s no right or wrong way to develop a safety plan. Use what applies. Change it or add to it to reflect your particular situation. Make it your own, then review it regularly and make changes as needed.

You may want to write down your safety plan, or you may not. If you think it would be safe for you to have a written safety plan and it would be helpful to you, then by all means do it. But if you think there is a chance your abuser might find it, maybe it is better to just think it all through and not write it down. Do what you think is the safest thing for you.

Use What You Already Know
If you have been abused by an intimate partner, you probably know more about safety planning and risk assessment than you might think. Being in a relationship with an abusive partner – and surviving – takes a lot of skill and resourcefulness. Any time you do or say something as a way to protect yourself and/or your children, you are “safety planning.” “Risk assessment” is when you decide if taking a specific action will make things better or worse. You do it all the time, without even thinking about it.

Think It Through
Now that you know more about what safety planning is, it can be really helpful to assess risks and make safety plans by thinking through all the issues. There are certain things that are helpful to consider when planning for your future safety:

  • Staying with your partner.
  • Ending your relationship.
  • Using services.
  • Involving the police.


Safety Planning for Every Situation

Safety plans can be made for a variety of different situations:

  • For dealing with an emergency, such as when you are threatened with physical violence or abuse has occurred.
  • For continuing to live with or to date a partner who has been abusive.
  • For protecting yourself after you have ended a relationship with an abusive partner.

If you are planning to leave your partner or have already left, be aware that abusers are often more violent during times of separation. This couldincrease your risk for harm, including stalking and serious or life-threatening injury. Making a separation safety plan can help reduce the risks to you and your children during and after a separation.

Identify Your Options

The value of any safety plan depends on coming up with options that make sense to you and that you can use. This publication will provide information on the help available from local domestic violence programs and the criminal justice system. But just as important is the help and information you may get from other places, including your own family and social supports. Some of the people and places where you might find support include:

  • counselor, social worker, therapist;
  • doctor, dentist, nurse;
  • friend, family, neighbor;
  • a spiritual leader or member of your faith community;
  • employee assistance program (EAP), supervisor, union, co-worker;
  • staff member at women’s centers or senior centers;
  • teacher, school counselor, parent teacher association member; and/or
  • department of social services caseworker.

The important thing is for you to identify all the possible people who might be willing and able to help you. You don’t have to wait for an emergency to ask for help. It’s a good idea to talk to people and find out what they’re willing and able to do for you. That way, you’ll know in advance if you have a place to stay, where to go for help with money, or a safe person who can keep copies of important papers for you.

If it is safe for you to do so, you may want to make a list with their phone numbers so that you’ll have it in case of an emergency. If you don’t know where to go in your community, you can call the NYS Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline for information about a program in your community.Most people really do want to help.

The more specific you can be, the more likely it is that you’ll get the help you need. Sometimes the people you trust may mean well and offer you suggestions that don’t seem right to you. You will have to decide if this information is best for you. It’s your call.

(Source: New York State, Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence)